Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Many Many THINGS
WOW! so long since the last! wahahas1) Driving test is on September 30! i wanna faster pass it and get my license so i an start driving around!!! OMG! so far driving has been so fun! i think im getting better at it everytime! but from now on till september 30! ill be so busy driving! ALL 200 minutes of lesson straight on friday nights for this month, sat and sunday morning for the entire september! and the finale 4 lessons perday on 26 and 27sept!!! LAST DITCH ATTEMPT TO PRACTICE!2) Im going to down PES on monday when i get back to camp! it's been a long and tiring process but now that i've got my specialist letter its a sure thing. Hopefully i get posted out of gedong and get a 8 to 5 job. i really need time for myself and my applciation to uni!! Sorry buddies of gedong, you guys have been great but i've gotta go!3) Im real real tired of what happening between us! I give up fighting to maintain this friendship! Its up to you from now on and i mean it this time4) I still remember that long long list of friends i made! and i have never forgotten you guys i promise! =) 5) Love Love Love soccer still! but i reckon that man utd won't win this season! =( but i hope they do.. MUST WIN AGAINST BURNLEY TML NIGHT!!6) I LOVE offdays!! wahahs this entire week off!! ive got to catch up on personal time.. loads of them!! 7) I finally decided to go to uni! and im serious this time. UK, my dreams! I really am going to do my best for myself now. Not like in the past.. seriously loved and hated that life so much. everyone has moved on, gone to uni, made new friends.. and they seem like they are having so much fun... here i am lagging in everything else especially ambition! I realize i don't have as much problems as last time... i've really adopted this heck care attitude! So much so that when i talk to people now there seem to be less things to talk about, maybe its also because there isn't much things happening in my life now.. Lets restore the fun, ambition and confidence into my life again! BTW, i haven't been emo over my life, just too lazy to do anything about it and like everyone do need some time alone (in my case cooped up within my life alone).8) I love you! YOU AND ONLY YOU! =) andeline lim!
Honestly! i want a new set of friends, not because i hate my friends now! Just that i think i've made a lot of mistakes that make me lose many! and i have not put in the effort to keep my good friends!! NOW IM JUST A FRIENDLESS GHOST! wahaha s=))!! Oh put my life on relive mode!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
OMG
it's been long..
Recently, my life has just been super not my way...
I was talking to jer that day, and she said she didnt like people without ambitions, and it just suddenly strike me then that my life was ruined since that day. I said many times and i am going to move on but apparently there isn't any way. It crushed me real bad and there don't seem a way to get back... Confidence, aspirations the courage to want just flew away...
Got into recee... that sucks, Dilema.. i want to complete the course i want to face the challenge but i think i just ain't there.. i dunno whats wrong..
Life simply sucks now, everything. I realize i've been shutting my self from everyone.. Maybe it's just because they all seem happier. Having more of life than what i have. More ambition. I really need to straighten things out
Man utd lost to barce, super sad. And i think this will be the end of man utd superiority. Just a feeling. The team is collapsing. Their not performing as well, ppl want to leave so much problems in the club.. i dunno mann,..
Everything in life is not going my way.. I bet my skin will totally heal by the time i see a specialist too, then i'll be stuck here forever
Monday, March 16, 2009
Experience is what shapes your life
I think i have gone through enough experience in life to be deemed matured. Everyone says that i know, i said that when i was 10, i said then when i was 16. Now i'm 18 and i'm saying it again. I guess thats the whole point of growing up. Gaining new experience. I've experience loving my family a lot, i've experience hating my family for a long time and purposely trying to make them lose all hope in me. i've experience loving someone a lot, i've experience not loving the person i should love at all. I've experience being betrayed, i've betrayed people myself. I've experienced feeling uber satisfied with my accomplishment, i've experienced total despair in myself (now).I guess what i'm trying to say is that i really hate my life now. I feel that i haven grown much in the last 2-3 years. And now, i just look back at my life and just replay all the stupid things i've done but the worse thing is that i don't regret anything i've done. Or maybe thats the best thing because i had my share of fun as well.Its the time now, where the light shines on me. I hold on to what i have; 39 points, stupidity and lack of confidence. I'm standing secluded from everyone else by the light shining on me because experience tells me to make my own decisions, govern my life, so that i'm accountable to it. Now i question is seeing the light really beneficial to me because i don't see how knowledge has made me a better person. I'm on my own looking around, there are infinite number of direction i can walk towards. I stand dumbfounded. I don't know what to do. Where is the confidence and ambition i once had. It flew away and all i manage to retain was, 39 points, stupidity and lack of confidence. Now how... that's my question.. Now how??......You know how reputation ruins you? i know it too. No one believes you have changed they all think your still the same. Honestly, it's tiring to try to keep someone happy itself, what more without acknowledgement. Reminds me of my mum; and i say thank you here for the past 18 years! but from now on, i'm on my own. My own uni grades, my own uni place, my own life... i just hope you were there more you know and stop keeping stuff to yourself. you think its nice but its not. it just makes stuff worse! Oh, i can't complain much, i am bad myselfSmile! the many many people who have shaped your life some way, those that shaped how you live your life. Here goes my list, some i love, some i hate, some i'm ok with but nonetheless thanks for making me me.Mum, Dad, Daphne yen, Desiree yen, Dulcena yen, Adeline yen, Elden Elmanto, Elendrus Teo, John Leo Caines, Daniel Loh, Ryan Wong, Tang Xin Quan, Daphne Low, Jerlyn Ang, Jocelyn Ang, Alanna, Joshua, Mae Hwee, Kang Jie, Jia yi, Ning Jie, Ian, Emelia, Xiaoxiang. Thanks thanks
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Wow, it's been so long since i've blogged. Blame the head of the entity i am serving for forcing me to serve 22 grueling months of complete er.... Hmmms.. Let's update what happened over these 9 weeks. I attained 39 points for IB, which suck i know. Got very emotional and sad over it. Decided to ignore my grades and my future entirely.. But recently started to realize i have to move on so i'm looking into uni apps now; going to NUS open house today. =)In army made a lot of good friends1) Kang Jie2) Shane3) Darryl4) Kai wen5) Marcus6) Ning Jie7) Ian8) Jia yi9) Pong Kui10)Ivan11) Alvin12) BFF13) Daniel 14) LesterThese are the main people who made me survive the 9 weeks. Train together, attained our goals together and POP-ed together. Sorry if i missed out anyone! =) Have i changed my mindset about service; no. Have i matured a bit at all; no. Have i became less vulgar; no. I am still the same old clarence that i am. With more friends and more experience in life to move furthur. I honestly miss the BMT trainings, (not field camp nor SIT test because they really suck).Posting on the 19th; i hope i get into SISPEC!! and back to camp on 23rd or 24th i think. So for the next few days! It's pure having fun, catching up on life and friends.. Going to play soccer with acs peeps! No i haven forgotten..Oh, during the 9 weeks, i also found my one. =) I know initial reaction from everyone is like..... But i'll prove you wrong yeh! Happy with my life now, my friends are fantastic..SOCCER TIME! TTYL. Manutd Liverpool tonight... its my night
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
It is here
The long-awaited day that dictates how i live my life for the next 30 years is here. Good luck clarence and everyone else..
Monday, January 5, 2009
One day at a time
Last night, i had a great time. And i don't know why but i always end up saying stupid things. wahahas. but i just have to wonder what happening on the other side of the river.Tomorrow is results day and i just can't believe all the hardwork (or lack of) for the last 2 years boils down to one day. Tomorrow... 11am.. I am truly worried. And to be honest i really regret the many IA i just whacked and rushed the day before. The many exams which i just studied for the paper the day before. And Starting my final revision only one week before IB. There are so so so many regrets which suddenly appear. I feel lousy and i need to keep my mind occupied. I need to go out and have fun. Sleep more.. Everything.. I really feel crappy now and if i continue thinking i fear i might cry. Wahahas.. Life truly sucks..
Saturday, January 3, 2009
amazing
SO, stay over yest at elden house was nothing short of emo, even ym manage to play a part; YES THE VERY STONE AND EMOTIONLESS YEEMENG. Seven pounds was as boring as i expected that half way through the movie i had to leave and find something interesting to do!Ok something amazing happen today. I finally found something that trumped soccer. For once soccer, man utd was not in my head. When i organize sunday night i didn't remember sunday night soccer sunday night soccer. Until my mother asked me then i realize, or shit sunday night there is soccer. But i ended up saying. Oh wells. i guess i have to miss it. WOW, Clarence... i'm amazed... there is only one other person i would give up soccer for.. i'm really looking forward to sunday. Just short of ideas anymore. i don't wanna play any games like i use to. Just me, plain me. Like it or not. This has to go differently than the last. Netball is such a long game.. i'm becoming a stalker.... oh no..I am finally able to release the emotions and here goes another rant: It's not that i don't wanna go out and catch up and bowl and eat and movie with you. It's just that i can't. I can't see you again because i don't want to give this emotion any chance of growing. I can't get over the fact that i was so close then i blew it up because I APPARENTLY DIDN'T SAY RETARDEDLY DARING STUFF when we aren't even friends.. It only sounds logical to me, have that ever strike you? OK, i didn't wait for you but neither did you wait for me. It was a rebound but you caused it. i'm over the stupid treatment you've been giving me. I like to joke, i like to insult but thats my way of relaying my friendship to you. Of saying i trust you. When you talk to me about your new found boyfriend, and emo to me about it. You expect me to cry with you. The best thing i could have done was to joke about it and hopefully you'll cheer up. I think that is a much better option that to scream at you and curse and swear you two break up. And i was named insensitive. THANKS, i'm insensitive then you must be CRUEL. I am so desensitized to your insults. Ok i don't wish for that honestly. i'm happy your happy, we're so over. i'm full of malice. evil me...Elden trust me, its better not to know that to know. Last time it was, misery, sadness and anger. After it is misery, sadness, anger and regret. Trust me.
it's over
Don't hang up.
Can we talk?
So confused
It's like im lost.
What went wrong?
What made you go?
Don't pretend you don't know
This is me im unchangeable
When did we fall apart?
Or did you lie
From the start?
When you said
Its only you
I was blind
; Such a fool
Thinking we
were unbreakable
It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said?
was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
. What made me unbeautiful.
Ive been told
whats done is done
To let it go
and carry on
And deep inside
I know that's true
Im stuck in time
Im stuck on you
We were still untouchable
Wake up, wake up, wake up
Cuz im only dreaming
Get out, get out, get out
. Get out of my head now
Because we're much better all together
Can't let go.
Lesly Roy - UnbeautifulSOSO NICE... soso applicable. its over, finally
promises i make
The memories are running through my head again, but this time in anticipation and hope that i could relive it, instead of the regular lamentation. I needed this a long time ago. I promise that this fad-ish memory will pass into oblivion and i really hope that i would not miss it.I never like being a replacement. In soccer being on the sub bench is irritating, having only 3 out of 7 chance of playing; or even less. I feel bad regarding A as a replacement, so i shall try my best to regard her as an individual. But its really hard because of the close resemblance. And to J, i was looking to you for answers for a long time. I even asked you in the face what should i do about it. I guess it is your normal self to act blur and ignore it all over again. But i'm tired and decided to take matters into my own hands like how you did 2 years back. i need to discover faith again. Sorry i called you ugly anyways! WAHAHATODAY IS LAN, maybe cycling, DINNER, MOVIE and DRINKS and STAYOVER! i want today to be fun! LEFT 4 DEAD! i'm thinking of taking one more step, esp when everything is moving so slow now. Like i said i'm only in for the friendship nothing more than that. Anything more and i will regret it, like i did before. Learn from experience, it trumps emotions; i learn this from experience too.
